The Mercenaries
by CobaltDragon
Summary: What happens when you put heavily armed secret agents in bizarre situations? The Mercenaries of course! Guns, alcohol, and Ganado abound and hilarity ensues. Don't let the length fool you, Mercenaries is like doing Fun in Shots. Shots of LAVA.
1. Dial 'M' For Mercenaries

THE MERCENARIES

BY COBALTDRAGON

Leon sat up from the hard ground, his head pounding.

"Fuck…" He muttered, "Where the hell am I?"

He checked his surroundings, which appeared to have been doused in alcohol.

"Wait, that's just me."

Leon took a drink from his coffee mug and popped a 'Sober Pill' into his mouth. He felt better, so he decided to stand up. But just as he was about to try for the third time, he started convulsing like a Jewish monkey on acid. It took him about six hours to wake up and figure out what had happened.

"Dammit Red Cross! I said take _some_ blood, not fucking _ALL_ of it!"

But the programmers shook their omniscient heads and each had a private snicker at Leon's blatant wrongness.

"Shut up you bastards!"

Then a Riot Shotgun and Blacktail handgun appeared in Leon's hands.

"Hey, what the- where's my Rednine?"

And the programmers burst out laughing at Leon's shitty handgun, until he pointed the Riotgun at the gloomy sky; a point at which they made themselves scarce. The angry virtual secret agent unloaded the less shitty shotgun towards the sky to screams of pain and tortured giggles.

"This'll teach you to never touch my Rednine again!"

But then Jesus decended from the sky and told Leon that murder was wrong, so Leon transformed into Saddler and made Jesus kill himself.

And Leon saw that it was good.

But then Jesus sprouted a plagas from his head and Leon saw that it was bad.

Very bad.

So Leon said some nasty words and ran like hell.

And he saw that it was ok.

But then the villagers returned from watching George A. Romero's 'Land of The Dead' in the Castle and started to fill the village square.

"Aw, fuck, what smells like a fucking American?" yelled one villager, plugging his nose.

"Sorry, that was me," responded another, prompting Leon to return his hand back to its normal position.

"Well blame it on the Gigante or something next time, you dumbass!"

Unfortunately, it was about that time when Leon gets discovered. Or would have been had he not been busy asking one of lady Ganado out on a date.

"WHAT? _NO_? I'll kill you for this!"

Then the lady informed him that murder was wrong, so Leon transformed into Saddler and made Jesus kill himself.

And Leon saw that it was good.

Just then, Hunk walked out of the shed holding a delicious plate of tofu. Unfortunately, Jesus' body impeded his forward motion and forced Hunk to impale him/it-self in the eye with a fork.

But Hunk stood, brushed himself off, and his eyeball proceeded to be eaten with vigor (a difficult task through a Gas Mask).

"Damn, Leon. European tofu tastes like _shit_. I'd rather eat my own fucking eyeball."

Leon opened his mouth to speak, but Hunk was already off and running.

Bitores Mendez (The Big Cheese) turned to the Big Giant Head and raised an eyebrow, using twine to hold it in place because of his recent Botox injection.

"What was the point of that?"

"To show that the One Ring was actually just Harry Potter's darkest fears."

"Ah."

Leon turned to both of them.

"No, it was to prove that Bruce Willis' character was actually the bad guy."

The villagers began to add their opinions.

"No it was…"

"...to show…"

"…Mel Gibson…"

"…is a…"

"…homosexual…"

"…cheeselicker!"

Big Cheese, Big Giant Head, and Leon all broke out their Riot Shotguns and murdered the villagers, until The Big Giant Head decided that murder was wrong. Leon made Hunk come back, then turned into Saddler and made Jesus kill himself.

And Leon saw that the joke was old.

But it was too late, the villagers turned into mindful Zombies. And before Leon could do anything they stuffed him so full of smart things that his Health Bar exploded.

"AH-HA!" he shouted, "It was under warranty!"

So he shipped it off with proof of purchase and set about slaughtering Pokémon.

_One graphic Pokémon murdering session later…_

"Hahahahaha it's arrived!"

Leon took his package from the merchant with glee, and set about unwrapping it.

_One graphic unwrapping session later…_

"Damn, it's only my collectible Kellog's Beanie," Pouted Leon.

So he shot the merchant with his Riotgun and sat down to wait for the Fedex man.

_One graphic… aw shit, you get the idea._

With his brand spanking new Health Bar, Leon was ready to face the villagers. Unfortunately, they had all gone home for the night, so he wasted some time murdering helpless McDonald's employees. By the time he was done, he realized it was a bank holiday, so he grabbed some tofu and left.


	2. Mr Wesker Goes To Waterworld

_Yes, back by popular demand, it's MERCENARIES! w00t! More Violence, more swearing, and more REALLY Bad Jokes. Enjoy!_

_-CobaltDragon

* * *

_

**REVIEWS!**

_**Oh my Fucking God- **Glad you liked it! I enjoy sneaking in random jokes..._

_**Lady Ithil- **Random Absurdist humour is my forte, so expect lots of it!_

_**General Masamune-** Ooh... Krauser has a lot coming to him : ) Mwahaha_

_**Lady Ithil (Again)-** Yessir, Waterworld is possibly my favorite Mercenaries map, and your brother isn't kidding. Super-Salvador/Double-bladed Chainsaw Guy can't lug his damn saw up a ladder, so he jumps up and down any ladder on the map. Oh, and there are actually TWO chainsaw guys, and you can fight them both at once, depending on where you start. If you start on top of said tower, you'd better run like hell because at least one of them will dog you from the start. Thanks again for the review!_

* * *

Part 2: Mr. Wesker Goes to Waterworld

It was a lonely night in splitsville for poor Albert Wesker. One minute he was dancing nude at Club Weskie, his popular fanbase, the next he was sitting- fully clothed God dammit -in the middle of a godforsaken... thingie.

Scattered beside him were some brochures (So You've Pissed Off A Programmer, The Joys of a Face-ectomy, and Welcome To Waterworld- Avoid the Chainsaws. Also in the pile were several issues of Playplagas) and a small nuclear arms arsenal, most of which he avoided for reasons known to most males who value their special areas.

"Ah, radiation. Tastes like chicken."

He whipped out his sunglasses and placed them right where most people suggested he put them.

* * *

"How the hell did these get lodged so deep god dammit?" asked the rectal surgeon, attaching a hook to Wesker's sunglasses, "Okay, start hauling." 

A large construction-grade crane began to crank its winch, causing the viewing audience to gouge their eyes out with slices of Pie. Slowly, and oh so painfully, Wesker's sunglasses extricated themselves with a POP.

"Here you go son, your sunglasses," proclaimed the surgeon proudly.

Wesker eyed the shitty merchandise. "You know what? Keep 'em. Join the Wesker fan club, or sell the damn things on Ebay. Just DON'T wave them in my face or you'll need a Rectal Surgeon..."

* * *

Now back at Waterworld, Albert Wesker was walking like he'd had something painful inserted and removed from his posterior. But, it seems, he always walked like that. 

It seemed that upon placing his sunglasses on his face, he missed and rammed them roughly into his mouth.

"Tastes like Chicken," he muttered.

Just then, the Commandos remembered that Saddler was... um... paying them?

They remembered that Saddler wasn't going release to them details of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince as long as they killed Wesker.

"Oh SHIT!" Wesker yelled, pulling out his limited edition Star Trek Communicator, "Scotty, beam me up!"

"Ah'm Soorry Cap'n Wisker, Ah cannoot beam ya oop alongside yoor enormous ego!"

"Oh FUCK you Scotty!"

Damn Umbrella. Of all the 60s TV shows to emulate after the whole 'U.N.C.L.E." spy shit backfired, they picked Star Trek. Damn lazy-ass Scottish.

And before he could react, the Ganado had killed him, causing the screen to display 'YOU ARE DEAD, MOTHERFUCKA'.

"Tell me something I don't know, assholes!" Wesker shouted, waving a slightly dead fist at his shoe.

Then he clicked continue and he was slightly less dead.

And armed.

Oh _man_ was he armed.

But he was suspiciously without legs...

'YOU ARE DEAD MOTHERFUCKA'

This time Wesker spawned in an empty room wearing the Varia Suit from Metroid Prime.

"Ah, at last. Ample room for my voluptuos breasts."

But then he remembered that he wasn't in Metroid Prime, so he pulled out his Killer7 and tried to put it into his Gamecube to play. Unfortunately, somewhere in the process the minidisc discharged a .45 magnum round through Weskie's Cube and destroyed it utterly.

"Utterly?" he asked despondently, not expecting an answer.

"Utterly." responded the narrator.

Scene deleted because Wesker crying like he was Brad 'Chickenheart' Vickers or something was boring.

"Heh heh, Leon only gets a Blacktail and a pussy little Riot Shotgun..." Wesker chuckled as he looked over the menu for Mercenaries.

"Oh, FUCK YOU!" Leon shouted as he entered the room, "I got my weapons back!"

And with that he paraded around the room like a Powerpuff Girl (Sans stupid Mojo Jojo), until Wesker tripped him and rammed an Infinite Rocket Launcher up the blonde agent's nose.

"That was mean, I'm telling mommy!" cried Leon, removing the large weapon from his Sinal Passage and running for the door.

Wesker suddenly decided to wet himself at that EXACT MOMENT because a double-bladed chainsaw guy (Dr. Salvador on steroids) had wandered into the room and removed Leon's head.

'YOU ARE DEAD MOTHERFUCKA'

"No, that's Leon you shithead!"

'YOU ARE ALIVE MOTHERFUCKA.'

"Oh stop this stupid joke, this is like that damn Jesus thing in the first chapter." Wesker complained.

'YOU ARE ABOUT TO BE DEAD MOTHERFUCKA.'

So Wesker turned off the Gamecube, laughing at his evil until he realized he had also been consigned to video game oblivion, until somebody turned on the Cube again...

"Oh. Tastes like chicken..."


	3. Hunk'd

_So here I am, back with another infrequent update of everyone's favorite wackiness, Mercenaries! Short episode this time, sorry about the wait. I'll update it again soon, when I get the time._

_--- _

Episode 3: Hunk'd

Hunk was sitting on his toilet, mask on as usual, when the call came from Umbrella, causing his overused Pager to smoke.

Hunk pulled the cigarette out from his pager's mouth ("you shouldn't smoke") and read the screen.

_Mr. Death, meeting 12 o' Clock, bring cookies._

_Problems defogging your deathmask? Call 1-900-Fog-Deth!_

_Hunk, call Theresa.I 'Heart' you._

_Mr. Death, you have '1' NEW assignment from hell!_

Hunk sighed. Why couldn't it be something simple, like trampling somebody else's daisies?

---

"Hunk I want you to trample someone's daisies."

Hunk's jaw dropped to the floor. Before he could pick it up, it walked off to go get some coffee. Luckily Hunk always carried a spare with him, which he clipped on posthaste.

"Daisies sir? What's the catch?"

"Hundreds of thousands of pissed off Zombies and former US President Bill Clinton."

"Ooooooh no sir, I refuse to deal with that kind of abuse."

"Hunk?"

"The Zombies."

"That's abuse? Isn't that part of your JOB dammit?"

"Look, I can throw an Intern Grenade at former US President William Clinton, or just give him a book deal, but you can do that kind of shit with Zombies. You'd need like… TWO book deals! It's unprecedented!"

To further illustrate Hunk's point, a passing Zombie was presented with only one book deal and ate an intern. When a second book offer was made following the success of 'I, Zombie', the Zombie did not eat any interns.

"As you can see sir, two book deals is just two much of a stretch."

"But you just gave a second book deal to that Zombie there!"

"The difference was the presence of Red-Shirted Interns nearby."

"Why can't you just…"

"They're fucking DAISIES. Good luck justifying hundreds of thousands of Interns to Umbrella Financing. If you would remember correctly, we are BANKRUPT. In fact what the hell am I doing here? You don't even fucking pay me!"

"This isn't Umbrella, this is Capcom."

"Oh," said Hunk, "in which case…"

"Anyways, Microsoft has planted some fucking nice daisies. Squish them."

"How? Remember the Zombies? Former US President Bill Clinton?"

"You've been authorized six interns, three book deals, and the Jesus joke from the first chapter."

And Hunk saw that it was good.

"Also sir, why am I supposed to squish the Daisy Vista outside of Microsoft HQ aka Hell?"

"Because you're a Nintendo-only property right now. Bitch."

"Aye sir."

---

Hunk promptly found himself in the castle.

"HAHAHA, that transition was significantly less weird and gay than the last two were. This time we've explained it! Mwahahaha!"

Then Saddler killed Luis Sera with a pointy stick and stuck his tongue out at Hunk.

"Nobody steals my evil laugh bitch, back off!"

So Hunk did, right into the Garrador. So he Neck-snapped it, and he saw that it was good.

"So where are these Daisies?" he asked himself spookily.

Just that moment, in a series of not-very-funny plot contrivances the Daisies also appeared in the castle, speaking spanish and carrying really pointy sticks. But then Hunk easily stepped on and trampled all of them.

"I love my work," he said in a very self-satisfied manner, eating a piece of Tofu through his mask.

And, in a desperate attempt to add length to a rather short chapter of Mercenaries, the author made Ashton Kutcher appear as if from nowhere (where he was actually appearing from Cleveland) and annoy Hunk.

"Dude, you've been like totally Punk'd! Those daisies were actually AIDS and you found the cure! PWNED ASSHAT giggledgiggledgiggledsnort!" said Ashton.

Hunk snapped his neck.

"Shut the FUCK up."

"Oh," sighed the author. "I guess that didn't add much length."

And with that he saved and uploaded the next wacky installment of Mercenaries to where it could summarily be reviewed by six people, resigning Hunk and the rest of the cast to that dark place they go when you aren't reading this.


End file.
